Re-membering the Gears

The gears are blackened with old grease, flecked white with deck paint, crusty with remnants of salt. Springs broken, plastic collars worn. I lift metal off metal and bathe it all in paint thinner. My lungs burn. I can feel the brain cells dissolving with the grime.

Along with the tension.

When I was asked to clean the winch, I froze, heart pounding. I haven’t done that in years…if ever (by myself). Is this something I can do? But I’m not detail oriented. I might lose a pawl spring, forget to put that gear thing back into the gear holder thing, neglect getting all those paint chips out of crucial crevices. 

We need these to work. Without these, we can’t control the sails. If we can’t control the sails we can't sail to Alaska. If I don’t sail to Alaska I’m not sure what else I can control in my life, not like I can control what happens there. 

This tiny winch feels like so big right now, all these levers and springs and gears in motion. 

Or not. Why is this winch seized?

A moment later in my head, gears cracking into motion: This is bullshit. I've sailed tens of thousands of miles offshore. I can fix a goddamn winch. 

Yes. Bring it.

The metal feels good in my hands. Smooth and circular on the outside, sharp edges of screws and springs inside. I retrieve bits from the stripping liquid and brush off old uselessness. I swipe on fresh grease, a promise of motion in tiny slippery particles. Help me out here, OK? I whisper to the solid teeth of gears and the forgiving push of springs. You are not lost. You go into your places and I reassemble your body into a clean new you. 

Reborn.

Circular clips over shiny metal plates. In place. It (I) feels secure when I fit the handle into its grooved home and spin. My arm knows what to do. The lightness that fills my body is unmistakable. This is home, this feeling. With each revolution I am revitalized, spinning in memories of oceans and wind, trimming in energy and making fast this knowing. 

I know. My body knows. My heart knows. Revolution. 

No fear, just spinning and motion and yes.

Remembered.