Armored and Floating

 

This armor is heavy. I struggle to stay afloat. The salt tarnishes the brilliant metal, the hinges rust and seize. I have trouble navigating the deep waters immersed in this heaviness. The sharks circle beneath- they know I am inside trying to breath, speak, dream. They push at my feet, buoying me when I begin to sink. My legs are heavy with the thick barrier and my toes are numb. My arms want to reach beyond my confines and embrace all in sight and in mind but they are stuck straight out and only pivot to keep Others away- defense defense defense! My thoughts are floating at the surface- the edge of two worlds colliding in Hs and Os. I want to open my mouth and scream into the water and wind but my voice is trapped behind an armored smile.

Good morning how did you sleep can I get you anything how would you like your coffee are you finished with this plate would you like lunch after your swim another Pellegrino is it time for cocktails boys will you be dining in the cockpit tonight would anybody like tea with desert can I get you anything else this evening?

The sun is setting and my skin seeps into the saltwater. For a moment my suit of armor dissolves. The ocean absorbs me and breathes me in, each wave inspiration. I reach out tired arms to embrace the water and the wind and I end up holding myself, whispering love to the elements, to my own heart. The sharks nibble at my wriggling toes and are patient, waiting for the future feast.

The sun melts green into the sea.
I know that with each rung up the ladder onto the boat into the job, the armor will return and the sharks will go hungry for one more day. But with each stroke of my legs through the water, each breath thick with the scent of seaweed, a chink in the defenses lets the universe in. It is only a matter of time before the armor naturally corrodes and returns as dust into the depths, to swirl among the vortexes of sharks, to become the soft bed for a ray.

But how can I unpeel this shell I’ve cast around myself in this moment?
How to be open and genuinely smile amidst the would you like another Pellegrinos and anything else this evenings?
How to love in every breath even when the atmosphere is far from hospitable?
How do I nourish and serve without looking for anything in return (praise, gratitude, respect, safety) on this boat, in life?

My hair dries salty and I remember the sea in my veins.
I name my anxieties and face the blank ones who receive my volley of questions sunrise to sunset.
I don’t try to smile all the time, but I do laugh loudly when it bubbles from the depths.
I do try to peel off layers when I can, when I sense I won’t damage the tender wildness nestled within.
Slowly slowly I undress and reveal emotions and humanness that I have tried to shield.
I seek to glimpse the wounded animal hiding inside each Others manipulation.
I practice giving (open heart, help, kind words) when I am feeling threatened. It doesn’t always work as the anger roils through and the armor expands to mask my growl. I breathe into my belly and vow to try again the next time a gift of expansion is presented (and hope that I don't strangle someone in the meantime).

And the sharks circle…